Secrets

I went away for a while with my family, and it was so tricky. I had sneak out early in the morning to go and buy value-priced (i’m on a budget) binge food. Then sit in the toilets of the supermarket,eat, and vomit in the toilet. It was too risky in the house,apart from the night i babysat. On one night i was stupid enough to start bingeing-i had 2 JUGS of cereal and some jam bread, then my Mum must have clicked and she followed me up the stairs and checked my whole room. I had to go out later than expected to throw up,but i did.
Anyway. I’m thinking guys that i need to stop this. I want a life,i want to be normal. This morning i had a slice of 130 calorie wholemeal bread with butter and jam. And a frozen yoghurt. Then for lunch i had diced vegetables,lettuce, a slice of ham and an apple and another yoghurt/ lot’s of herbal tea/coffee without milk. Then for dinner i had vegetable soup with half a bag of vegetables. Then the same again for late snack. And i’ve just had another frozen yoghurt. It totals to around 700 maximum, but it’s definitely more than i’ve been having. I normally have about…300? Consumed. I did though throw up a kit-kat. But still.
I resisted pizza,chips,ice cream, my favourite pastries…chocolate…crisps,sandwiches- literally i had so much temptation. But i done well. My belly is so bloated, and it feels horrible to touch it. I’m used to hipbones and ribs, now i feel pregnant! But i have to remain focused- i can’t gain weight instantly. -sigh- I’m already thinking about a breakfast binge, there’s bagels and ice cream…and jam. But what about me? I deserve more. I deserve to live

I don’t know where to begin- thank God for tumblr that’s all i can say.
Confession fucking time.

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(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

I always feel like this;trapped. I wish i could be honest and say look guys, i have an eating disorder and i am desperately, desperately unhappy.
During fleeting moments i think that i should book an appointment and see a councellor, but those moments go as quickly as they appear. Seeing that bitch, actually no she’s not a bitch but she’s patronising…and…she never understood fully. No one ever fully undertstands because no one wants to listen,people just talk to me about their lives…and i listen because that’s what good people do isn’t it?They shut their mouths, and listen. They don’t sit there talking about themselves non stop,that’s rude, that’s disgusting and self-absorbed. I want to be a kind,nice,clean person. Someone, i feel unclean when i’m being nasty or spiteful, or even when i cry. I hate the disorder. Do you know what i need to do tomorrow? Go and buy laxatives. I may even go before school begins…or maybe i should wait until lunch. But i need them,that’s all i know. I have to start again,empty out the horrible slime and fat in my stomach. I’m so entwined in this illness aren’t i? That’s what i hate,that’s why i want to see someone;because in my head i hate being this messed up. I wish i could stay sane and slim,but that’s impossible. Every day feels like a challenge. Recently i’ve started to wonder again if i’d be better off killing myself. But then…i think no i can’t i’m so young with so much to live for, and maybe this illness might leave sometime soon? But still,it all seems for nothing. I make my family’s life a living hell, and i don’t think i can go on living like this anymore..yet i don’t feel like i could live without it either. It’s a dark, miserable secret life to lead and it seems ever likely to stay. I feel so sad right now, like there’s a weight on my shoulders which won’t lift.

only a mini one since my parents are watching me like hawks.
I’ve been on less than 300 calories a day, loads of coffee and loads of cigarettes for about 5 days. I weigh about 92 lbs.I’ve just eaten 3 thick white slices of jam bread and 6 breakfast biscuits and peach slices. Need to throw up soon but it’s so tempting to go back for a bit more.